Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Stages of Drunkeness




Stage 1 -- SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.(this does NOT happen to me)

Stage 2 -- GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people want you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they want you and really want to talk to you. Keep in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. (I have been known to feel rather 'charming' after a few too many)

Stage 3 -- RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. (NEVER, EVER have I experienced this particular alcohol induced delusion)

Stage 4 -- BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! (see above comment)

Stage 5 -- INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words. (yep this would be ME)

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Alcohol Studies

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormone. To prove their theory, the scientist fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think logically and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned

Sorry Girls, but that is funny.....(yep, it is)

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Alcohol Warnings

The FDA Is Considering Additional Warnings On beer And Alcohol Bottles, Such As:

1) WARNING: consumption of alcohol ... may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.(hey I dance good sober, tipsy I am the BEST)

3) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD. (nah, not ME)

4) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.(neber)

5) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. (not a problem for me, since I don't have any EX lovers, not yet anyway)

6) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. (again, not yet)

7) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). (fear of THIS is why I know when to stop)

8) WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. (this scares me and I don't even know why)

9) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. (or some big bad redhead named Charlene)

10) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. (not yet, maybe I just haven't had enough)

11) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. (they aren't?)

12) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. (oh hell yeah)

13) WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. (it may not cause it, but it can darn sure aide and abed...heehee get that aBED)

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