Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Wednesday's Wonderings

Inquiring minds want to know...

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice(it is okay to EAT said sacrifice, right), I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1: 9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? (Everytime we cook-out there's this neighbor that shows up wantin' to know what's up, please tell me I can smite him.)

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery(and considering she hasn't had a job in over a year, I'm guessing this may be hard to do), as sanctioned in Exodus 21: 7. In this day & age, what would be a fair market price for her? (I'm reckon I'm going to have to take a cut rate on her, considering the above.)

3.I know I(I'm assuming this means men AND women) am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15: 19-24). The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking,(well actutally "I/Wanda" haven't) but most women take offense. (Ya think?)

4. Leviticus 25: 44 states that I may own slaves, both male & female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? (If I can own Canadians, I sooo want to own Carl. Maybe Leslie will come along as a package deal?)

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35: 2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? (Trust me I have neighbors I would consider following through with)

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree, can you settle this? (I don't even know what to say to this idea)

7. Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20 or is there some wiggle room here? (Geesh I hope there's wiggle room here, I couldn't find the alter without my glasses)

8. Most of my male (and female) friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19:27. How should they die? (I'm guessing that whole shaved head thing is going to get some folks in deep trouble)

9. I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? (Now seriously who really wants to touch the skin of a dead pig?)

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton & polyester blend). He tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24: 10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20: 14)? (What? You mean sleeping with your in-laws is a no-no? Oh man are people in the Alabama/Georgia/Mississippi, screwed. Aw heck I'd bet there's even folks in Arkansas that have ahankering for their good looking in-laws)

The Good Christian's answer to these questions?
"I'm pleased to be able to help you. If you are a Christian, you don't have to keep the Old Testament law! I'm sure this will come as a great relief to you, your neighbors, and your family members who are in danger of you stoning them. In fact, this issue was settled in the Jerusalem Council in the first century A.D. If you read the book of Galatians, you will find that we are no longer under the Law of the Old Testament, but we are under the "law of Christ." So we do not have to keep the things found in the Old Testament (yes, even the Ten Commandments), because we are under the new law of grace. However, we must keep anything that is stated by Christ or the New Testament writers, as this makes up our new law...."

I don't know about anyone else, but now, I'm REALLY confused. If we no longer have to abide by the laws of the Old Testament, then what are all these rightwing [nut] pseudo-christians, rantin' and ravin' about?
What's the big deal with the need to have the Ten Commandments posted everywhere, especially in courtrooms/courthouses, and Federal buildings?
If we're now following the laws of Christ, shouldn't we be trying to be more Christ-like? And if I recall correctly, wasn't Christ all about compassion, love, giving, serving, and FORGIVING? So what's up with all this judgemental crap I'm hearing from the right?

You know what I think? I think these people better HOPE, God is a forgiving God. Cause otherwise there are going to be a lot of self-rightous [pseudo-]Christians writhing in hell along side all those hOmOsexUals they hate so much.

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