Sunday, February 26, 2006

I Am Not Alone...

I've spent the last ten years of my life feeling sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, and afraid. At some point I must have decided, this is it. This, is all there is to the rest of my life. I guess I gave up. I haven't really been living, it's been more like just existing.
Eating (LOTS of eating) sleeping, watching television, fiddling around on the internet, and a part time job that's going nowhere has been the sum total of my life. My children are grown, all leading their own lives. My husband and I have drifted so far apart we hardly even talk to each other any more. There was a time when his being gone overnight would bug the hell out of me. Now, I look forward to his monthly sojourn to his brothers. I relished the moments I have alone. When alone I can retreat into the nowhere land of my life.
I've changed so much I don't even recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. That is, when I take the time to look in a mirror. Which is not something I do very often.
A few weeks ago, someone sent me some pictures that he'd taken of me years ago. I was stunned. Who WAS that woman? That could not be me. Yet I know it was. I remember those pictures. I can remember when almost everyone of them was taken. What happened to her?
Looking at those pictures I was forced to take a long hard look at myself. I realized I wanted more. The problem? Wanting it wasn't enough.
Then by chance, I found my inspiration.
First there was this song. I must have listened to that song a hundred times over the past month (today is one month to the day) . When I get discouraged, when I think, I can't do this when other's tell me I'm behaving like a silly fool. I sit down and I listen to that song. I can't tell you why, I can only tell you that when I hear it, when I watch that video, I feel a sense of peace, and determination. I feel like he's talking to me. Telling me don't give up. Be strong. YOU can do this.
This song is all about temptation. Temptation comes in many forms. It's not always of a sexual nature. There is temptation of the mind, of the spirit, of the soul. When he says "don't get on that Long Black Train" I know, he knows, what I'm going through. I know I'm not alone.
Then I happen to catch a movie on the Lifetime channel. Ambulance Girl, spoke to me. I laughed, I cried, I saw myself (especially in that scene where she says "he may be half my age, but I don't care..."). Knowing this movie was a true story, once again I realized, I am not alone.
I know I can do this. With a little help from my friends, and a lot of faith in something greater than myself. I know I WILL do this. I will do it for every woman (or man) who's felt their life was out of control and didn't know how or what to do. I will do it for the people I love. Even if they don't understand why I need to. I will do it for the one's who love me. Because they deserve the best me I can be. Most of all I will do it for ME. Because I deserve to be the best me I can be.

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