Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Walking the Line

[Starting Over-part 2]

Looking back I realize that baby probably saved my life. Once I faced the reality of my situation, I knew I had to quit smoking (well the pot anyway) drinking, and the partying. It wasn't easy. But there was a child and I had to do what I had to do.
Being a person with an addictive personalyity I needed a fix. Bad. It was then I discovered the warmth, and comfort of food. Thus began my lifetime love affair. Food and I. Oh what great lovers we were/are. Food is my crutch. There's so much and it's all sooooo good! So many varities, so many tastes. Of all life's drugs it's the most addictive. And the hardest to fight. You can live without cigarettes. You can live without pot, speed, coke, crack, even meth. You can live without alcohol. You cannot live without food. Everyday you need the very thing your addicted to, just to survive you need food. The line between nourishment and overindulgence is so thin, it's almost invisible. And almost impossible to walk. If I had a dollar for everytime I slipped and fell, I'd be rich. No joke. Rich.
On the positive side, once I achieved 'plump' very few people hated me.
There have been short periods of time in my adult life where I've been, well, attractive. But somehow, I always fell back into the comfot zone. Back to the food-in-mouth disease. My addiction has ruled my life for close to 25 years now. It's cost me more than you can imagine. Every time I'd tried to figth this battle I've lost.
Today, I turned 49. With much introspection, I'm asking myself "how did I get here". I'm too young to look this way. I'm too young to be willing to settle for looking frumpy and middle aged. I'm too young to give up on love and life. I've allowed this addiction and my fear of who I am to sabotage my life far too long. So, once again I'm going to screw up my courage and put my foot on that nearly invisible line. This time, I'm gonna make it. I have to. Anything less is to give up completely. This time next year I am determined to be a different woman. God help me this time I mean to make it. With a little help from my friends and a lot of help from God. It may well be the hardest thing I've ever done, but I can't 'not' try. I can do this, can't I?

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