Sunday, December 18, 2005

Laughing on the Outside

I don't know how many remember Red Skelton, but I do. I remember watching him on the Ed Sullivan Show, and on his own show. Of all his characters my favorite was always Freddy the Freeloader. Freddy was one of those poor, sad, but lovable guys, who went around with this kind of sad smile on his face. He tried to be funny, but you knew inside he was hurting.
Another favorite of mine was Emmett Kelly's , Weary Willie. Willie too had that kind of sad, hangdog look about him.
Both these guys went around trying to be funny, putting on an act, playing for the audience. But deep inside you knew, something was missing.
These days I feel like Weary Wanda. I keep up this facade, making all the right moves, saying the right words, laughing along with the world. But inside, I feel like I'm dying. My world is coming apart and I don't know how to stop it.
When Houston , spoke of feeling like he was on a roller coaster ride, and of ' unmet expectations', I could feel the tears rolling down my face. Then Vickie , wrote the words I dared not speak. "I just want to curl up and wake up when the New Year is upon us...". Finally , someone who understands. I'm not alone. I'm not some kind of aberrant anomaly. I'm not the only one who simply can't jump for joy at the mention of 'Christmas'. I can't help that the lights, the trees, the sights and sounds, don't set off the endorphins in my soul.
I'm trying every day to take Houston's advice and find my own crayon and color this holiday season the way it best suits me. Somehow black doesn't seem to go over too well with folks. So, I guess I'll put on my 'make-up' and continue on with my charade. Who knows? Maybe eventually I'll even manage to convince myself.

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