just breathe...: Thursday's Thoughts

We got a little rain last night and today, but that's about all Cindy had for us here in Podunt. I hear Dennis is looming on the horizon. As much as I love foul weather I don't wish to see the poor folks of Florida go through another hurrican season like last years. You'd think so much wind and rain would wash away some of the evil that lurks within that state (child molesters/killers). I guess even a hurrican can't eradicate the depravity of man.
Friday is Amanda's (Zachary's Mother) birthday. She'll be 29 years old. She's once again homeless and just started yet another new job. My heart aches for her, yet I can't help but feel a bit of anger that she's still leading a life that is so disruptive to her children. The one lesson Amanda has never learned, is when you have children, your life is no longer your own. As a parent you have to make sacrifices. A lot of them. That means no parties, no bars, no men who come (sleep over) and go (well duh)like ships in the night.
If I could wish just one wish for her it would be that she finally grow up and learn the true meaning of love. Not just romantic love but the love that one feels that enables them to make the hard choices. The one's that hurt you inside but you do what you must in order to do what's best for the child you brought into this world.

Not that she's alone in her short comings as a parent. In fact compared to my own son, she is a trophy Mom. His selfishness and lack of concern for his child is a constant source of pain and disappointment for me. Zachary said something today that just made me sit down and cry. He was complaining about his Dad going off with Josh and leaving him here. I said to him "Zach you can't blame me for the things he does", he turned around and looked at me with those big sad brown eyes and said "Why not? You raised him." If he had punched me in to stomach it couldn't have hurt any worse. Of course when I started crying he started hugging me and said "I'm sorry Granny". Then he said, "Don't worry Granny, I won't ever grow up to be like him." Dear God how the truth can hurt.
We do the best we can. We try to teach them to be responsible, caring adults. Then they go out into the world and defy all that we have tried to teach them. Did we fail? Or did they simply choose not to listen? Who knows?
All I can do now is try to be there for Zachary.
In this, I pray, I will not fail.