Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Prime Directive

Okay peeps, here's the deal. If I fall ill, or I'm in an accident, or whatEVer, and my azz is in a coma, or some vegetative state. I DO NOT want to be unhooked from what ever machines it takes to keep my azz breathing. I want everything humanly (or even super humanly) possible done to bring me back. If I can't be brought back then keep me alive until I can. If it cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, so what? Our government wastes that much on stupid crap anyway. So why not invest some of it in me? I'm worth it aren't I?
Never, ever, never do I want to be starved. I want big Mac's twice a week, even if I get them through a straw or tube. Turkey for Thanksgiving, and ham for Christmas and Easter. Just get a BIG straw or tube. Dessert would be nice now and then too. Especially, PIE!
I want my family and friends to visit me at least three times a week. EACH! Don't let it bother you when those doctors say I'm brain dead. Heck I'm already brain dead half the time anyway. If they say I don't know anything, don't let that bother you either, I don't know too awful much now. If they tell you I'm feeling no pain, don't you believe it. I have a very low threshold for pain. I'm feeling something all the time. A shot of Jack D or Canadian Mist in the ole feeding tube would be perfectly acceptable. And much appreciated.
Someone should read to me once in awhile. None of that boring crap either. The Bible will be fine, but only on Sundays, and maybe Wednesday. Rolling Stone at least once a week please.
Keep a tv in my room. You all know what shows I like (if there's doubts, I'll make a list), see to it that it's tuned to the appropriate channed on the appropriate nights. Soap operas will be okay, but only Bold & Beautiful and All My Children.
A foot rub now and then wouldn't hurt. And maybe even a little back massage too. Lots of sponge baths will be in order. With nice smelling bubble bath, please. If any of you men folks should feel inclined to take advantage of my vegetative body, please close the drapes and shut the door. After all even coma-girls need their dignity.
If they ever get that whole freezing thing perfected, I want that too.


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