Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
NOT!
I haven't slept in days. My eyes feel like they are full of sand and weigh a ton. My brain has long passed the stage where everything turns to mush. I'm to the point where I avoid operating heavy machinery if at all possible. Of course when you feel as bad as I do, even a Jeep Grand Cherokee can seem like heavy machinery. In fact this keyboard is starting to weigh fairly heavily on my mind.
Last night at midnight (the start of yet another sleepless day) I was sitting (more like slumping) here at my desk sipping a cup of decaffeinated coffee. When I spied this little package of chocolates left over from Valentines Day. So, I decided I'd have me a few. Then I get into this discussion with myself, "does chocolate have caffeine in it?" " No, of course not you silly goose." "Oh bull how would you know you silly old hag?" It went back and forth like that(with these two tiny little me's, one on each shoulder) for about five minutes. I finally gave into temptation and had one. Then another, then another, and another, and, well you get the idea. I was on the verge of a psedo-diabetic seizure before I ran out of chocolates. Well, damn, they were GOOD. Besides should I succumb to said seizure surely I will fall to the floor and pass out. At this point sleep is sleep. Even an over-indulged-in-chocolate induced coma would be near bliss.

Insomnia is a terrible thing. It's a curse. Not some clever curse cast about by those exquisite young ladies of Charmed fame, either, it's a curse of life rendering proportions. One can slowly begin to identify with the undead. I find myself wandering aimlessly, unthinking, staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes, not registering conversation, irritable, my temper flaring at the slightest thing, becoming paranoid, suspicious of everyone, wanting to be alone. That's the second part of insomnia's curse , it makes you want to be alone, but when you are alone it plays on your insecurities. "Nobody likes you. You're pathetic," it whispers. So you start to worry about these things too. And worrying about them keeps you awake at night. It's no joke. Insomnia is a curse.
Here is a list of things that have been suggested that might help one get to sleep.

1. Get pissy durnk every night. While this certainly has the plus side of - well - getting you pissy drunk every night, we all know we can do stupid things when we're drunk. Besides getting drunk probably wouldn't work for me because I'll just pass out for a couple of hours then wake up feeling like crap - a feeling that continues for all of the next day. By the way, when your an insomniac, the next day you have to get through is a LOT longer than for ordinary folks..

2. Sleeping tablets. Well, I am a big fan of medication. Especailly when it's self-medicating. But what if I tried them and they worked where would that lead - addiction? Every time I couldn't sleep (which is more often than not) I'd go running for those little magic pills. I have a very addictive personality. Just remember the chocolate fiasco.

3. Cut out caffeine before going to bed. Been there, done that (well unless there's caffeine in chocolate, and we won't go there). Still not sleeping.

4. Hitting myself over the head with a stick. I suspect if I get any more bitchy from the lack of sleep I'll be getting dangerously close to this one. Only it won't be ME weilding the aforementioned stick.
So far nothings worked. I remain heavy lidded, grossly grouchy, and dangerously delusional.
[editors note: Portions of the above rant may have been shamelessly stolen from other sources, which at the moment I cannot for the life of me remember and therefore cannot give due credit. Live with it.]